GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that’s not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL:Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST :You mean like this?
The psychiatrist kissed the girl
GIRL: …… Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl’s top
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
The psychiatrist took off the girl’s clothes
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
The psychiatrist had sex with the girl
GIRL:Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD

1. My son is under a doctors care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School : Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

8. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

9. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

10. Sally wont be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

11. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

12. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a hangover.

13. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat,her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

14. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Source: Tsiken

He: At last, Yes It was so hard to wait!
She: Do you want to leave me?
He: No, Don’t even think about it!
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No, why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy, I’m not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes!
She: Darling!

After marriage. . .

Simply read from bottom to top.

—————–

Source: http://tiohem.blogspot.com/2007/09/before-and-after-marriage.html

Nanay Tatay gay version
“Mudra, Fudra bet kiz ng kronapay
Sisterette, brotherloo, bet kiz ng frappe
lahat ng betchina kez ay kemer, kemerlu
ang magkamali ang pipingutin kiz”

Batibot gay version
“akez ang shopetbahay shopetbahay mez.
laging handang tumulong sa inyetch
knowings niyo aketch
knowings niyo aketch
aketch jisa sa shopetbahay
shopetbahay ninyetch…”

Bahay Kubo gay version Ready?…
Sing! Valer kuberch, kahit jutay
Ang julamantrax donchi ay anek-anek.
Nyongkamas at nutring, nyogarilyas at kipay
Nyitaw, nyotaw, jutani.
Kundol, jutola, jupot jolabastrax
At mega join-join pa, jobanox nyustasa.
Nyubuyax, nyomatis, nyowang at luyax
And around the keme ay fulnes ng linga.

Bading na Jawo
Jaworski (while coaching):
Ok pudlaterz, kiver sa kalaban, just focus, wis natin afford na ma-out sa banga. O ikiws, ishoot metz yung last free throw anetz.. Ok getsungin ang gold to the highest level mga churva!

“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

“I wasn’t sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”

“I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

“Amen”

“This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.”

“Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”

“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.”

“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

“Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”

“Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

Source: Comedy Zone

Drew Carey quotes (American Comedian, b.1958)

Source: Think Exist

I Used To Believe is a funny and bizarre collection of ideas that adults thought were true when they were children. It will remind you what it was like to be a child, fascinated and horrified by the world in equal parts. The following pages will reassure you that the things you used to believe weren’t so strange after all…

===

Teacher: mga bata alam ba nyo na ang bawat butil ng bigas ng palay ay galing sa dugo at pawis ng mga magsasaka???

Mga bata: EEEWWWWWW!!!!

===

if only adam and eve were pinoy..
they would not commit original sin..
why??
they would ignore the fruit..
and instead..
Eat the snake..
PULUTAN ito!!!

Source: http://pinoyjoke.blogspot.com/

Host: Snooky, bakit kayo naghiwalay ni Ricardo?

Snooky: One word lang po, “irreconcilable differences”!

Source:  GreenPinoy